I try my hardest to be strong and upbeat in any situation. I trust that God is in control and knows what is best for me and my family. But lately, I am frustrated, exhausted, temperamental, quick to anger and often on the verge of tears. I feel that I am barely holding it together. And I'm finding myself angry with God.
It's been four months. Actually, four and a half months since Nate started working in North Dakota. His schedule is fifteen days on and five days off. But granted, one of those days is devoted strictly to travel and now with winter approaching, TWO days will be devoted to travel. So, that basically means, the kids and I will see him for three whole days in a row. It's a HORRIBLE way to try and raise a family. And that's a horrible way for him to live his life, being completely seperated from all his family and friends.
I always dreamed of being a stay at home mom. But I guess I just assumed that it would be with a spouse that came home every night and that was home on the weekends. I was able to stay at home with my kids for two and a half months before everything changed. Like I said before, I've tried to stay upbeat and as positive as possible, when I really just wanted to yell, "THIS SUCKS!!!!". I get so depressed sometimes that I find myself yelling at my innocent little kids, with tears streaming down my face. I never wanted to be a mom that yelled; that lost her patience. But, here I am. Completely at my wits end and I have no idea when this will all be over. When I talk to my sweet husband, he is so broken that he isn't with his kids and he is miserable because he's missing so much. I've run out of things to say to comfort him anymore. What else is there to say to ease his pain that I haven't said already? He can't come home yet. We both know this.
The kiddos ask every day where Daddy is. And I remind them daily that Daddy is in North Dakota, working. Ayla now tells me that she doesn't want Daddy to go to work anymore; that she misses him. And every day that she talks to him, she asks if he's on his way home. It's heart wrenching. For him and for me. The kids miss their dad so much and I don't know how to make them feel better. Having four days with him, just isn't enough for them.
I pray daily that things will change and that some day soon, we can all be together again. The prayers aren't comforting anymore...so here I am writing. I don't want to be angry with God. He did provide this amazing opportunity for Nate for work, but isn't enough, enough? A family isn't supposed to live in different states. And quite frankly, I don't know how much longer we can do this. I'm not writing for anyone's sympathy. I'm writing for myself...completely an act of selfishness. Writing is therapeutic for me and right now, I NEED 'me' time. So please don't pity us. I just needed somewhere to vent and I am so sick and tired of hearing myself complain out loud about it. Hopefully now that my feelings are in print, I can breathe....maybe with no tears.
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